11.16.08
Positive Self-Talk (just humor me please)
Life has been difficult these past couple of months. But it wasn’t like that in the summer. In fact, this summer I had NEVER in my life been HAPPIER. My job was going well, and I found someone who I thought was the love of my life, and would be with me for the long haul. My life was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. I finally felt that I got the happiness I so much deserved. It was a dream come true.
But it seemed as soon as I got used to the love, affection, intimacy and feeling of being in (what I thought was) a secure partnership, it was ripped out of my grasp without warning. I had absolutely no choice in the matter and I had done my best to make it work. It truly was a shock and I am still reduced to tears today, which is very out of character for me. I think of the upcoming holidays that were going to be spent with my EX and all of the other plans we made. Its sad. I miss the way things were supposed to be.
Around the same time I was told that my job might be in jeopardy due to the state of the economy (surprise) and I might want to “start looking”. I then had to let one of my assistants go, that I just hired, the day after the break up.
Two and a half weeks later, I lost someone who had been one of my best friends for over 5 years to a terrible freak accident. He was only 36 and we had a falling out about 2 years previous that I thought one day we would have resolved. When we were friends, he made me feel better than anyone had in my life. I had never felt the specialness I felt when I was with him. So the loss was even harder because now we would never have the chance to reconcile. But with his death, the ill feelings were forgotten and only the good memories remained. I miss the way things should have been.
Needless to say, my life has been rough recently. I have never felt so alone as I have the past 10 weeks. Even with all of the support of my friends, positive practices I have adopted, and activities I have been doing, it is still present. But it is getting better… slowly. It is one of the slowest moving progressions I’ve experienced.
However, I am a firm believer in trying to turn bad situations into valuable lessons. Whats the valuable lesson here? I am still trying to figure that one out. But I do know that for most of my life I have been being not-so-good to myself. Thats why I have changed.
In the past, if all of these things happened, I seriously would be dead right now. I am not kidding. My usual method of combating my life falling to pieces is to party myself into oblivion until I was numb. Except after all of the substances wore off, I would become suicidal. Well, I didn’t want to do that this time. I wanted to take my own advice that I give to others “If something isn’t working, try something new”. Thats what I have been doing…things differently.
Instead, I have been trying to take care of myself through therapy, yoga, knitting, journaling, and all of that self-help crap I used to think was so lame. Know what? Its helping. Its helping a lot.
I know I still have a lot of work to be done and I do take breaks in between to have a little fun. I guess my point is that I realize that this time in my life is a period of growth. I know that soon I will find joy again in the things I used to love doing such as cooking and being more social. Its difficult but I know in the end, I will be a healthier individual who will find what she is looking for.
To all of the others that are experiencing life’s struggles, I hope you find your way in this chaotic world. Its not easy in the wake of this recession/depression we are having. Just take time to be good to yourself and realize that YOU are the one who you have to spend the most time with, so you might want to nurture that relationship a bit more. :0)