01.15.10
My intentions are good.
I am not unique.
I, like everyone else am allowed to make a mistake.
I am choosing to forgive myself.
So there.
10.09.09
20 Years Later
Why I hated high school:
I never fit in.
I wasn’t popular, nor did the popular people pay attention to me.
I never had a date. I didn’t go to either my junior or senior prom.
I hated homework and my grades were wretched.
I graduated by the skin of my teeth. Thank you Mrs. Lewis for giving me a “D” in English.
The list goes on…blah…blah…blah…
Why I chose to go to my 20-year reunion:
My friends that I hung out with in HS all got in contact on Facebook and wanted all of us to go, so we could have our own reunion 
I wanted to see what became of the girl who got me stoned for the first time in when I was 14.
I feel like I have come a long way after high school and really didn’t give a rats ass about WHAT people thought of me now 
That being said, how was it? Well…
It was good and boring. Fun and kinda sad. Annoying and rewarding. It was a lot of things.
When my sis came to drive me down to San Jose from my current badass hometown of San Francisco, I started to get really nervous. I mean REALLY nervous! Thank god I had made arrangements to meet my friend Kirsten (who is the only one I am in regular contact with) and her husband, Jon right outside the “epic” Crowne Plaza SJ. There was no way I was going to walk in alone. Yes, I would have liked to walk in there with someone special, but I ain’t gonna put up a front just to look good.
When we walked in, there were photos being taken, people talking, hugging, you know, typical reunion stuff.
I started to look around and noticed that there were not a ton of familiar faces. In fact, there seemed to be a lot of people I didn’t even know in high school. It was odd. It was a really low turnout, at least I thought. We walked around a bit, we found our friends Toni, Kristin, and their husbands and chatted. I said hello to a few people I recognized, but I wasn’t sure that they all remembered me. I did catch up my old BFF from elementary school who is still single and looks amazing, better than anyone in my class, which was cool. But in the 6th grade, I left for 3 years to go to private school. When I re-entered the public school system, so much had changed, I didn’t know how to act or who were my friends. I did adjust but it wasn’t easy. I digress…
Our group entered the “swanky”, low ceilinged room and sat down at our table that was decorated with tacky GreatReunions.com paraphernalia, white tablecloths and big bird colored bright yellow napkins. Off to the bar I went…
Later, we took a class picture and ate an undressed salad with stale croutons, chicken with a carrot tomato sauce, to which Toni asked “Ew. Who threw up on my chicken?” and a slice of cheesecake that was still frozen, with a splooge of strawberry sauce. Needless to say, I was not impressed. Of course, I am probably a snob but I was expecting a lot more for $100 per ticket, let me tell you.
After dinner we mingled. I said “hello” to some people but it was awkward. How do you catch up in a 5 minute conversation?
Then, the reunion committee (i.e. the popular people) read off the answers to a quiz we had to fill out. It contained such questions as “how much was a postage stamp in 1989?” and “how much did a can of Aqua Net cost?” Yawn…
Then came the greatest part of the evening!!!!! They were giving bottles of wine to the person who was married the longest, had the most kids, and still lived the closest to school! YAY! Once again, I didn’t fit in. It was annoying. How about the bottle of wine to the person who has a successful business? Or the person who can support themselves in a big city, has a career and does everything she loves? Or the person with the smallest carbon footprint? What? No such category? My bad.
Whereas nearly everyone was married, had multiple kids, and lived in the middle of nowhere, I was in the minority. But this time I was OK with it. In fact, I felt really good about the decisions I had made with my life. Sure it isn’t perfect. No ones life is. But what I did realize is how good my life is, has been and how much better it will get.
I have amazing, supportive close friends. I have travelled extensively and dined in incredible restaurants. I paid my student loans off from culinary school. I live in the greatest, most diverse and fun (and expensive) city in the country and I fully support myself. I have a successful career. I make people feel warm and fuzzy inside when they eat my food. How could all of that not make me happy? How could all of that not count for something? It counts for EVERYTHING.
I’m not trying to put down anyone by saying this. Its all a matter of what we, as individuals want. Thats all.
What I am saying is although the reunion was a bust in the actual “party” part of it, it was great to see my few old, close friends and it was a good pump to the ego. We all need to do what we want to do. Whether its having a family, traveling the world or working at Starbucks, just know that what you do is what YOU do. You may never get a bottle of wine for your “achievements” but you could always buy yourself a cocktail and toast to yourself for a job well done. “Fitting in”, isn’t for everyone, and sometimes its better that way.
P.S. The girl who got me stoned is married with 5 kids and wanted to make sure that smoking pot out of a Coke can in the girls bathroom, didn’t send me down the road to a lifetime of drug use. Hahaha! If she only knew everything I have done in the past 20 years! 
04.19.09
A Few Japan/ U.S. Differences (at least what I noticed…)
I just came back from Japan about a week ago. I was there for two weeks and it was incredible and enlightening, as most vacations for me tend to be.
The cherry blossoms were just blooming, which is cause for celebration in Japan. According to my Japan resident friends, it signifies the beginning of Spring as well as the idea that things that are the most beautiful, do not last. The blossoms tend to only last about a week and then fall to the ground and look like snow. It really is beautiful and I feel lucky that my friend and I made it there in time.
The celebrations include thousands flocking to Ueno park, taking photos, reserving spots in the park under the trees to picnic with family and friends, and an excuse for the local college students to party before the beginning of their new terms;) Kids will be kids, anywhere you go in the world…
As far as the things I took note of were the following:
1) Tokyo, although HUGE in size and population is very clean. Way cleaner than any large U.S. city. There is not litter, and the streets and sidewalks are just clean. Osaka, not so much but the friendliness of the people make up for it.
2) It is considered rude to walk and eat. Even if you get street food, you are supposed to sit (often there is a nearby bench for this reason) or you can stand, but not walk. The idea I think here is to only focus on one task as opposed to eating, walking and talking on the phone, multitasking like so many of us do here.
3) When you are on the subway, you are encouraged to silence your phones and refrain from talking on the phone! How nuts is that? But its great to not be subject to hear someones loud bragging conversation about how lucky they got last night, like when I am sitting on MUNI.
4) Overall, peoples egos seem to not be as fragile as ours.
I think we, myself included tend to personalize things and have them slow us down, rather than taking responsibility for what has happened to us. We play the “victim” so well, rather than just focusing on the next step. I know some people will get offended by this, but whatever…its true.
I think it goes hand in hand with Buddhist philosophies. I hope to adopt more of them.
5) People have manners. They are concerned and hospitable. I have forgotten what good, professional customer service was until my visit. People, overall tend to take pride in good service especially in restaurants and they don’t even get tips! Its crazy cool.
There are more things that I have noticed and continue to notice as I am back in the states. Its so different there but so great. I have been bitten by the travel bug once again. It also makes me appreciate the differences that we all have and that we can only fully understand ourselves more through experiences of different cultures.
Go somewhere. Don’t make excuses…the world is waiting.
Shibuia
02.23.09
Red Flags
Since the New Year, I have been CRAZY busy! Mostly with social things, taking classes, and dating. I have never quite dated in my entire life, as much as I have in the past two months. Let me tell you, it is a TRIP.
I have met mostly cool people, a few I still talk to, but most, I don’t. But I will say, although it hasn’t been very long…I try to take something from each new person as a gift of insight that I may not have seen otherwise.
It’s a hard thing to do…date. It can lift your ego up so much and it feels SO GOOD and just as quickly, it can make you feel like a bug squashed on the ground. I have been told that this is pretty normal when you are “putting yourself out there”.
I have a friend who was influential in my “putting myself out there” and we have become even closer through our sharing of adventures. Plus, she cracks my ass up
She was in a long-term relationship, her ex broke her heart and within a week her ex was full on into the next relationship! WTF? It was really awful. I couldn’t imagine being in my friend’s shoes. Here I was having issues after a few months of seeing someone and within a couple of weeks after her breakup, my friend was out there dating! I thought to myself “Shit. What the hell am I doing here?” It was like I was waiting around for something to happen and it wasn’t. So I was determined and actively stepped outside my comfort zone
I have also had a lesson in “red flag detection”. I started forming boundaries…true I didn’t always stick to them (I still don’t) but what I did realize was something truly amazing. I learned that my instincts, my deep down feelings, can actually be trusted and listened to.
I saw someone off and on for a few weeks and there were some red flags pretty quickly. I began to have an internal dilemma with myself wondering if what I was feeling was real, or if I was just being sensitive. So I waited. Until I noticed that the amount of red flags were forming into one giant STOP sign! So I decided it was done because I could not see it being healthy in the future. It was a huge step.
This is where “the process” comes into play. “The process” is not easy, or comfy, or even something that everyone wants to face. It is however, essential to growth and moving forward.
So I will continue to try to go with the flow, and not try to control the speed of the current. Not easy. But it is stirring things up a bit. Its exciting! I am curious how this will turn out. I will keep you posted…
11.16.08
Positive Self-Talk (just humor me please)
Life has been difficult these past couple of months. But it wasn’t like that in the summer. In fact, this summer I had NEVER in my life been HAPPIER. My job was going well, and I found someone who I thought was the love of my life, and would be with me for the long haul. My life was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. I finally felt that I got the happiness I so much deserved. It was a dream come true.
But it seemed as soon as I got used to the love, affection, intimacy and feeling of being in (what I thought was) a secure partnership, it was ripped out of my grasp without warning. I had absolutely no choice in the matter and I had done my best to make it work. It truly was a shock and I am still reduced to tears today, which is very out of character for me. I think of the upcoming holidays that were going to be spent with my EX and all of the other plans we made. Its sad. I miss the way things were supposed to be.
Around the same time I was told that my job might be in jeopardy due to the state of the economy (surprise) and I might want to “start looking”. I then had to let one of my assistants go, that I just hired, the day after the break up.
Two and a half weeks later, I lost someone who had been one of my best friends for over 5 years to a terrible freak accident. He was only 36 and we had a falling out about 2 years previous that I thought one day we would have resolved. When we were friends, he made me feel better than anyone had in my life. I had never felt the specialness I felt when I was with him. So the loss was even harder because now we would never have the chance to reconcile. But with his death, the ill feelings were forgotten and only the good memories remained. I miss the way things should have been.
Needless to say, my life has been rough recently. I have never felt so alone as I have the past 10 weeks. Even with all of the support of my friends, positive practices I have adopted, and activities I have been doing, it is still present. But it is getting better… slowly. It is one of the slowest moving progressions I’ve experienced.
However, I am a firm believer in trying to turn bad situations into valuable lessons. Whats the valuable lesson here? I am still trying to figure that one out. But I do know that for most of my life I have been being not-so-good to myself. Thats why I have changed.
In the past, if all of these things happened, I seriously would be dead right now. I am not kidding. My usual method of combating my life falling to pieces is to party myself into oblivion until I was numb. Except after all of the substances wore off, I would become suicidal. Well, I didn’t want to do that this time. I wanted to take my own advice that I give to others “If something isn’t working, try something new”. Thats what I have been doing…things differently.
Instead, I have been trying to take care of myself through therapy, yoga, knitting, journaling, and all of that self-help crap I used to think was so lame. Know what? Its helping. Its helping a lot.
I know I still have a lot of work to be done and I do take breaks in between to have a little fun. I guess my point is that I realize that this time in my life is a period of growth. I know that soon I will find joy again in the things I used to love doing such as cooking and being more social. Its difficult but I know in the end, I will be a healthier individual who will find what she is looking for.
To all of the others that are experiencing life’s struggles, I hope you find your way in this chaotic world. Its not easy in the wake of this recession/depression we are having. Just take time to be good to yourself and realize that YOU are the one who you have to spend the most time with, so you might want to nurture that relationship a bit more. :0)
05.20.08
Festivus in May!
I wish this holiday could actually be observed, let alone at any time of year you choose! Coined by George Costanzas father on Seinfeld back in the day it was a holiday celebrated on the 23rd of December. One of the fundamental ideas was to sit around a table with your family and friends and tell them how they have disappointed you in the past year! Imagine that! Putting all of that aggravation to rest at one collective time! I know it seems mean, but really…wouldn’t it be nice to freely voice our grievances in a safe environment? Problem is, that safe environment doesn’t really exist.
There have been times when I have been treated unfairly by someone and have had to bite my tongue out of fear of offending them or just having them get up and walk out on me. At the same time I would say to myself, “God, I would really like someone to tell me if I did that, just so I might learn from it and avoid it next time”. But something stops me from doing it. I know its my bad, but seriously, most people cannot handle it when you express yourself in a way that holds them accountable for their actions. In fact, is usually has the reverse effect: you end up feeling bad for giving them the facts and YOU are made to feel like you are “too sensitive”. Often times this is just an excuse for someone to not take responsibility for what they have done.
Obviously, honesty is often not a welcoming thing. By honesty, I am not referring to tearing someone to shreds based on their appearance and abilities. I used to work with someone with who thought that was the definition of honesty. That, my friend is the definition of insecurity. :0)
I digress. My point is that being honest can get you into trouble when it should be admired, and rewarded. Its hard in this world to be truthful at times, especially when you really want to express what is in your heart, and you know it might hurt, offend or embarrass the other person.
I know Festivus is a silly idea for the most part but in the midst of the drama and crazy feelings I have been having in my own life recently, it doesn’t seem so far fetched. We may not be too far away from seeing it on a calendar one of these years…
02.15.08
San Francisco List #1
I have been asked by a coupla friends about making a “Top 10 List” of some of my favorite places to go in The City. This is nearly impossible to do because there are sooooo many! But here is the first installment, not in any particular order. They are just cool-ass and you should to check ‘em out:
1) Martuni’s (corner of Valencia and Market) Anyone who knows me, this comes as no surprise. There are all sorts of “girly” drinks, without being overly sweet, complete with fresh fruit garnishes. If you get there during happy hour, you get snack mix with your martini… that can be considered dinner, right? Beware that the place is dimly lit but good for conversation. The only downfall? The choice of music leaves quite a bit to be desired!
2) Golden Produce (Church Street, between Market and Duboce) This place is great. Good choice of seasonal regular and organic produce. Get your T.P. at Safeway, and your veggies here.
3) King Foot Subs (Divisadero at Haight) Okay, be prepared to wait for your sandwich. It takes a few to fire up that chintzy toaster oven and warm your buns, but it will be worth it! My recommendation: your basic pastrami and Swiss, everything on it. Yum.
4) Flax Art and Design (Market Street between Valencia and some other street) I like setting aside at least an hour or so to check out this place. There is A LOT to look at. Bring your credit card though. That shiz adds up…fast.
5) Sun Fat Seafood (Mission Street, I wanna say somewhere near 23rd?) This is a GOOD place to get crabs. Yes, crabs. Get yer mind outta the gutter! You can also get all kinds of fish, which is really, really fresh. Quite often it is well priced too.
6) Delessio (Next to Flax Art and Design…can you tell what neighborhood I live in, yet???) They have unique mini cupcakes that are super cute and tasty. All their pastries and cakes have been pretty good so far. As far as the salad bar and hot foods bar? Those can be hit or miss, but mostly hit.
7) Lovejoys Antiques and Tearoom (Church Street, can’t remember cross street. Just Google it if you want to know) I suppose it was my many years working at a teahouse in Los Gatos but I effing love this place! Super girly and popular for bridal and baby showers, which means lots of women collectively saying “awwwwwww” about ever 3 minutes. That is the only annoying thing. Oh also, if it is a weekend, you better make a reservation or you aren’t getting in. The Queens tea is more than enough food for lunch with lots of variety.
Lehr’s German Specialties (Church Street, down the way from Lovejoys) Ah German groceries! Reminds me of my first job working in a Deli as a teen. There are some GREAT things here including Landjager (cured, dried sausage), kraut, pickles, chocolate ladybugs, marzipan (if you eat that sort of thing), and a bunch of lederhosen! WTF?
9) Conduit (Valencia and I wanna say 15th?) New restaurant I recently went to that rocks! The pork appetizer is amazing. Crispy pork belly, croutons, and house made pork rillette… OMG! Also the oxtail tortellini in an onion broth with a thin Parmesan cracker, oooooohhh! Ambiance is nice and modern with an exhibition kitchen. I definitely want to come back for many more visits.
10) Nijiya Market (corner of Post and Webster) This is your one-stop shop for fresh, inexpensive sushi, bento boxes, fresh wasabi root, pickled veggies, mochi and other Japanese ingredients. I always find something new here. It’s a place you could literally spend an hour in and still not see everything.
02.12.08
The Cuppage
So my sis and my bro-in-law, hooked me up with a better blogger. Yay!
I will post soon…so stay tuned!
02.08.08
An Observation…
So I went to Beaver Creek last weekend. Its a posh-ish place in the Rockies, known for its skiing and luxurious accommodations. No, I wasn’t there on my own bill, but on Bon Appetit magazines tab. Otherwise, I would have never seen the beauty that IS Colorado in the winter.
I was a little scared of the cold, fully forgetting the fact that I loved being in cold weather, especially snow. But it had been so long since I had, the hype surrounding it was far worse than the actual temperature was.
So, it got down to about 12 degrees…peh! Its all good when you have a super-warm-knitted-hat-made-just-for-snowboarding on your head…oh and a good scarf helps too.
Anyway, as I said this was a Bon Appetit event in which chefs came to strut their stuff, do some networking and have a little fun. I was lucky enough to be chosen to be the pastry bee-otch and accompany my boss/co-worker/celebrity chef who had been invited.
There were lots of activities planned including dinners, cocktail parties, ski races, Iron Chef battles, wine seminars etc. It was a kind of “convention” if you will.
All these activities lead up to Saturday night where all of the guest chefs set up booths where they prepared small portions of food, to hand out to the paying guests who came specifically for this event. Everything went well. Thank God.
I always have a bit of a problem mixing buisness with pleasure. I suppose it stems from my desire for control over the situation, the fact that I am high strung when it comes to work and my desire to not look like a jack-ass, especially in front of my peers.
The ideal situation would be to stay one day AFTER the work is done, so that it is all behind you and you can chill out for a bit, maybe take in a half day of snow shoeing. Unfortunately, because of a knee injury I was not able to partake in the downhill action, but I did ice skate at the outdoor rink. Although I didn’t last long when the temperatures started going into the 10’s.
I have to say though, that I loved it. I absolutley LOVED being in the snow!! I felt like a kid again and went outside with my arms out in front of me, waiting for a large flake to land on my sleeve. You know, the kind that are big and dry and really look like the kind of snowflakes you cut out of paper! That is the best, really…the detail of a snowflake that you can see with the naked eye…
Also I realized how into snow sports the residents and visitors really are. Some people see the weather as an inconvenience. Its cold, its a bitch to shovel, it destroys your car, your skin, your toes, its dirty, its wet and its cold. It makes you want to move to California.
Others move to Vail BECAUSE it snows so much! The quality of the “powder” is superior to anywhere else in the U.S. People come from all over the world to ski these slopes. People get boring service jobs just to support their snowboarding habit! Its so awesome! To feel so strongly about something that can be so harsh and wild that you cannot bear to be away from it because its conducive to the happiness of your very soul. Wow! What a lifestyle. That is some intense shiz!
It is always nice to see intense passion in someone, whatever their passion is. It makes you feel alive and that anything is possible, really.
Sometimes passions need to be reignited. Sometimes you need a push back into the right direction, when you may have been detoured by something that appeared to be easier, only to leave you wanting more.
Moral of the story: If you have a passion, whatever it is, do what you can to stay focused. Sometimes the things that make us the happiest get pushed aside in the daily grind. Then we wonder why we are so unhappy with life. These things that we love, need to be practiced so that we can have peace of mind. Even if that means skiing in single-digit weather.
01.28.08
Scratch That…
…about the next entry. I stand corrected. My all-knowing-baseball friend, Mike told me I was wrong about the A’s being responsible for the success of Jermaine Dye and Johnny Damon. Dye was on the Braves before the A’s and Damon on Kansas City. My bad. But weren’t they partially responsible for what they became? I think so.